Thursday, May 05, 2005
monotone has never been a word in my dictionary...guess thats actually how my cca life is now...kinda suspended and kept in animated suspension....and i so wish it wasnt...
its kinda weird isnt it...that you walk thru the halls of memory and remember the things that happened last time...and you wish you were back in the past and yet at the same time in the present...
went down ytd to tampines sports hall to support the guys in badminton....i actually wished later i hadnt gone,not cos i didnt want to support the guys but mainly because reminiscing is painful...its cold and sad when you realise that all the people you used to see and fight against with all your might and fury when you played badminton were there...the ppl you wanted to prove wrong against, the ppl whom you wanted to show you were good and deserved the medals you won all those years,whether literally or mentally...and yet you hold nothing but your bag,wearing your blouse and skirt and there they are on the courts donning schl jerseys and holding badminton rackets....no glory in sitting on the side wishing you were out there fighting and battling for your schl, to show everyone what your worth....basically...i cried out there...and i'm crying now....cos i wished so hard that we could have played in the interschl nationals....and yet....
is it fun or even fair that our class is so split up?we've like one half 32 and the other half mostly 31 and some ppl just "anti clique" with no clue how "anti clique" they are....i really wonder what they're trying to drive at....and anyway if that 31 half is considered a clique i really wonder how together and clique-ish it is....cos i'm constantly at loggerheads with most of them....
and i really don understand...i've tried to talk and converse....said hi and bye...was nice and everything...and yet....its still cold at one end and its kinda spreading...don really kinda see the same sorta attitude i used to last time....when we were closer and more together and stuff...now its just cold....the ppl whom i thot were nice and stuff just faded...the more colorful they were...the more platonic and black and white they are now....my presence everywhere is starting to become non existent i realise....once again i don fit anywhere....
i guess its meant to be
cos i never was and never will be.
cos i never was me and never will be me
frosted over and iced inside
my lifes a cold shit
and its freezing hell
but guess it doesnt matter
cos i cant feel it
renditioned soulessly at 9:55 PM
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